Reason number two: The Car that Took The Baby

2006-04-23T23:41:00.001-07:00

Reason number two that Tom Cruise must be stopped:

After his alleged girlfriend Katie Holmes allegedly gave birth to his alleged baby, Scientologists were seen immediately driving the alleged baby, Suri Cruise (hidden behind a partition), away from the alleged mother in this car (photo courtesy of JustJared.com).

This is creepy for two reasons.

One, even if we assume (as one would in normal circumstances) that Tom Cruise impregnated a woman, and that woman gave birth to his spawn or child, removing that child from its mother immediately after birth to transport it to some Scientology compound where for seven days it will not be allowed to bond with its mother is, if you ask most people, pretty messed up.

But if we believe (as some people do, because these circumstances involve Tom Cruise and thus are not normal) that there was something fishy about the pregnancy to begin with, and perhaps there was no baby in the alleged girlfriend's belly, then this would mean that the big black car shown driving the alleged baby away was staged. So in that case, this car would have been deployed in order for Tom Cruise to transport a non-existent (or not newly-born) baby to a Scientology compound for seven days, just as L. Ron Hubbard would have decreed. But actually, there was no baby inside.

Frankly, Xenu cannot decide which scenario is more jacked up. Either way, though, the black car allegedly transporting the alleged baby is Reason Number Two why Tom Cruise must be stopped.

Stop Tom Cruise

2006-04-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

Reason #1 Tom Cruise must be stopped:

He is hiding in the closet and he won't come out.

There is nothing particularly wrong with hiding in the closet. Or refusing to come out. People enter and exit closets for their own reasons and in their own ways all over the world, and really, who are we to judge?

But hiding in the closet and refusing to come out while simultaneously using a strange and culty religion to camoflauge your location in the closet, AND while imposing your insane, fringe views on the American public from your location in the closet like some crazy Wizard of Oz ("pay no attention to the man in the closet!"), AND while suing the creators of South Park for merely pointing out your obvious location in the closet - that goes too far. That's just glib.

There are many, many other things Tom Cruise does from his location in the closet that need to be discussed, but for now, this is just the first and most obvious reason why Tom Cruise must be stopped.